Go Back To Your Own Country! Poetry Recital At Oxford University Islamic Society, 2015
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Interview with MuslimView’s Masud Ahmed Khan
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Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British…
Coz I’m Muslim and I’m British
I really can’t help it
I was born in the Royal Bucks Hospital
As was my future spouse
I went to school with the Catholics
I went to mosque in a Victorian house
Continue readingFasting in Aylesbury
It’s Ramadan and I’m fasting
On the streets of Aylesbury
My hunger sighs out like a violin
My thirst desires the sea
I aim to focus my heart on God
And give my hunger a lesson
I aim to follow the scripture’s truth
And feel how drink is a blessing
Continue readingMuslim Imperatives
Smile endearingly like Al Mustafa
Brighter than an iridescent star
Rise celestially like Isa
Transcending corporeal fever
Conjure mystic snakes like Musa
Which devour the pull of Lucifer
Continue readingRamadan: No one can eat like me!
Maula Khan Maula Khan
No one can eat like me!
I come from the lands of Azkaban
I eat roast for my tea!
Maula Khan Maula Khan!
No one can eat like me
I eat like a king
So, I can sing
No one can eat like me!
Continue reading(SATIRE) ATTENTION: LEAKED MEMO-ISLAMIC PLOT TO DOMINATE ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRIES BY 2030
(This memo was discovered online by freedom activist, Bobby Tomminson, using extensive investigative journalism and google searches, for example, evil-Muslim-plots, Islamic-invasion-plan and all-Muslims-are-ISIS- though he later had to receive counselling for mistyping Muslim-Bomb to Muslim-bumb.)
MEMO: FOR ALL ENGLISH-SPEAKING MUSLIMS
GUIDANCE ON GAINING DOMINION OVER EUROPE AND NORTH AMERICA BY 2030
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
First, we will infiltrate the language, word by word. We will demand that one or two of our words are adopted to promote community cohesion. So instead of common words like magazine, we will replace it with… (wait, magazine is already from Arabic- makhzan/khazana) Okay, instead of their numbers, we will replace them with Arabic numerals… (oh, hang about, the numbers are already Arabic), well, instead we will replace words they are fond of like alcohol.. (oh, that’s from al-kuhul- Arabic again) and when they get older, they will live in one of our words- bungalow… (but that’s already from Bengali/Hindi/Urdu).
Continue readingThe Two Strange Men Of Kashgar
One day, two men were arrested at the Id Gah mosque in Kashgar and sent away for cultural citizenship education. Onlookers, rather stunned, watched as the men were ushered into the police van, while the accompanying officers scanned around for potential trouble. No one stirred as the officers jumped in the back of the van, next to the men, who were also seated silently. The authorities were expecting a massive uproar from the locals, especially as intelligence had uncovered that these two men were revered as holy men or healers, who lived on the streets and could heal supernaturally. But there was no resistance; no struggles. The locals seemed pacified and the two men just sat there calmly. Just as the van pulled away, a local grocer woman called out: “see you again, insha Allah.”
Continue readingThe Great Replacement
Let’s implement the Great Replacement
Let’s make the world supreme again!
Let’s replace the fear of the other
With the cheer of true brothers
Let’s replace the blaming of immigrants
With the blaming of ignorance
Let’s replace the scourge of racial supremacy
With the urge for common humanity
Let’s replace the illusion of racial supremacy
With the fusion of racial diversity
Let’s replace the sentiment of “they’re invading us,”
With the sentiment of “they’re guests for us.”
Let’s replace the darkness of cultural ignorance
With the understanding of cultural difference
Let’s replace the kneejerk to separate and withdraw
With cooperating for the common good and the law
Let’s replace the vermin of extremist violence
With the sacred sermons of listening silence
Let’s replace the fifth columns of conspiracy
With the true solemn acts of charity
Let’s replace the fake news on racial extermination
And take views on racial invigoration
Let’s replace the ghettos of hatred and malice
With the gardens of love and compassion
Let’s replace the dread of Trojan horses, hidden
With the sincere search for the truth within
Let’s replace the desire to nuke a whole race
With the desire to invigorate the human race
Let’s replace the fear of Muslims and Islam
With true knowledge to avert future harm
Let’s implement the Great Replacement
Let’s make the world supreme again!
I’d Rather Go To Medina
I’d rather go to Medina
Than go to Hollywood
In Medina, there’s no Oscars
Or shining halls of fame
Instead there’s awe with Mustafa
And prayers at Qiblatain
Continue readingSimorgh At Islamabad Arrivals
In Islamabad arrivals, a great hullabaloo arose, like a volcano erupting. Hundreds of tired and disgruntled travellers crowded the luggage belts, struggling to catch sight of their possessions, like a flock of herons, frantically searching the water for fish. Faces scowled; babies wailed; ladies sat back, fanning themselves with their scarves. It had been two hours; their luggage had failed to arrive and, to make matters worse, the luggage of the next arrivals was beginning to appear instead.
“What the hell is this!” yelled a large, moustachioed fellow, in a rich, white salwar qameez. The officials, in blue uniforms, continued to play dumb, expressing platitudes: “we have some technical difficulties… One of the computers has malfunctioned, but it will be fixed, and your luggage will be here soon.”
It’s All These Bloomin’ Gorei!
It’s all these bloomin’ gorei!
The Yankees and the Brits
They colonised the Muslim world
And made us look like twits!
They used us for their World Wars
They stripped our lands of riches
They left us fighting like hyenas
Then watched us fight, in stitches
But they did give us their passports
Continue reading